Hey Shy Butterfly,

I Miss you. It’s unfortunate that this is how you have to get these words I write. I don’t have you beside me to listen as I talk and talk you to sleep with all I have to say to you.

Now I have to place it in writing, like I should do more often. This card I chose because it is a place we talked about, and once upon a time it is where all things began.

Anywhere but Reno is fine, but this is where my little family began, “The Compound” is where it ended, or rather it broke. Thankfully God brought me to you and you to me. You are the most beautiful butterfly, your shyness your cocoon, but now you are the symbeol of new life. Your room a message forseeing my arrival, the lone wolf.

Today is April 1st, and a fool I am not for loving you, or you me. We have much to live for Baby Girl, so many lives to care for. I know our foundation will be strong. God blessed us more than we will ever know. This is our Pack now Colleen. We give our all for it, or we give it all for nothing.







My Son Marius’s 1st Birthday Card

   “Downtown Finally,” I think to myself as the bus pulls into the station.

    Impatiently I wait for the bus to stop and for the doors to open.

   The doors swing open and off the bus I go, relieved the trip across town has come to an end.

  I begin my walk the few blocks down to the hotel I’ve been staying.   I’ve been  there since coming back to Reno from San Jose the week before,  living there now with a friend and her son.

   It isn’t that far but it still seems like forever, not used to walking this much but I left my bike in the room this morning cause unlike other days it wasn’t needed.

  The thought going through my head though, is so offensive to my senses, I cannot believe I’m about to sink so low. I can’t help it the burning desire of this damned demon inside me, the addiction having taken hold of my reason.

   Nearly to my destination, I sit down next to this on the edge of hard pavement of this parking lot, between between a tree and the driveway leading out to the next street, in the shadow of this  parking garage.

  Letting the strap of the backpack I been carrying slide off my left shoulder and swinging it around the front of me, I set the backpack down between my legs.  This thing weighs a ton, but I hardly feel it, having become accustomed to the weight of  this burden.

   Opening  the back pack ,I reach inside and pull out the folder kept inside my binder.  . Still sealed inside is the blue envelope, having been returned to my mom in the mail at my grandma’s house in San Jose,  I flip it over and begin to peel it open. Sliding out the card inside, every moment my conscience telling me to stop. I don’t listen I continue.

  What have I done, God forgive me.  I remove the 10 dollars put everything back and continue on. I reach my destisnation,  knocking on the door for  “the Bitch,”  a man opens the door of this motel room and exchanges her once again to me for 10 bucks.

   My inner addict now relieved proceeds back to the motel I’m staying, to once again kiss “the Bitch” named ‘Crystal’ once more.  She don’t care bout my 1 year old son, she is so glad I robbed him for this 10 dollars, “It’s Ok,” she says to me, “Ill make it all better.”

   For the moment,  she blows a kiss at me and down into my lungs, numbin my emotions and thought, briefly the pain of what I had done, is gone. Oh how she loves me to relieve me of such pain.  She fills me up with such  such delight, she tells me that just because that I did tastes disgusting, her medicine is oh so good.

   Disgusting, is the act I committed,  something so hurtful to my soul, it refuses to heal. A thousand times I’ve had money to replace that ten, but none if it has come from an untainted source.

This took place last summer, Tuesday June, 26, 2012. 


Letter to My ‘Shy Butterfly’

 My Shy Butterfly,

     Over a year ago this journey I began, a journey through the darkness and light. Through the  looking glass, the God of my creation sent me. On the other side I emerged, having all that I had removed or eventually fall away.

     My Children Gone, My Wife to Follow,  My Vehicle and Job, my place to stay all went away. No more comforts of the life I lived before, stripped of most everything until almost nothing more remained.

    Never though did I see your role in this journey being what it is today,  heck we were both amazed at how we went from two to being one.  Somewhere in the partnership and friendship we formed, business and pleasure turned  into the business of pleasing each other.

    All the time I stood on the front step, I never knew that next door is where I’d wind up living  and loving.

    My Shy Butterfly, I know within you is much beauty, but hidden away underneath that hoodie.

    Man I remember how I came that night and said all those things to you after having left your side once again to go back to the other. But I remember coming over and seeing you, not hidden in that damn sweater or your beauty hidden in the anonymity of that hoodie.

   The glow was so intense I was struck in awe was by your beauty, you shined through the darkest clouds, I at that moment knew how right I was,  and how wrong was my decision.  Though I loved her, perhaps  like I said, I loved more the IDEA of her. She got to know me only truly through my letters to her, but you, got to experience me. Once again a witness to the lengths I’ll go and the things I’ll do for someone I love.

   Many times, you were witness to the man I truly am, and long before she had ever come along.   that even the father of your children can’t help but respect me for the father he seen.  That even though me and him have our history, he still gives blessing to our relationship, cause I’m not just some random person, but a father he knows will care for his kids like I do my own, do my best to keep harm from them like I would my own.

  My Shy Butterfly, I Love You and your depths I want to explore.

  I can’t help wanting to know you, to bring you out from under that hoodie. I can’t help being fascinated by you, that maybe I am intimidated by your love for me. The shit I say or do, are things you don’t deserve, things that were in reserve for one who is no more.

   My Shy Butterfly, that captures my soul within her eyes, I’m sorry for the tears I’ve caused your heart to have, they be  from happiness.

 My mind is a jumbled mess, so forgive me if it takes time now to pass this loves’ tests.

 I’m still working on bringing the man you saw next door back to light, I have the pieces but its just takin some more time to put this puzzle together.


“Come On Daddy”


LORD, you never cease to amaze me.

When my vision starts to blur, you always find my glasses so that i can more clearly see.

I tell you that, “I Hear Lord.”

You ask me, “But are you listening?”

I Tell You that “I See Lord.”

You ask me, “But is Your Vision Clear?”


In the early morning hours of this day You spoke to me,

Straight into the depth of my ear, right through the Earbud in my ear.

Loud through my head and with the sweetest of voices though,

Straight into my heart and right to the depth of my soul…

I’m struck by the voice of my daughter Alyssa saying to me, “Come on Daddy,”

As I watch her on my computer screen, climb the steps back up to go down the slide again.


All I hear now Lord is that voice, and like the clarity of it’s sound,

I see clearly the plans you have for me start to bloom, like the flowers in springtime.


The Season of Darkness is now beginning to brighten,

As it gives way to the Season of Life.


“Come On Daddy,” I hear her voice say.

She’s calling me out, from Darkness to Life.


By: Nicholas Aguilera