THE BIRTHDAY CARD

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My Son Marius’s 1st Birthday Card

   “Downtown Finally,” I think to myself as the bus pulls into the station.

    Impatiently I wait for the bus to stop and for the doors to open.

   The doors swing open and off the bus I go, relieved the trip across town has come to an end.

  I begin my walk the few blocks down to the hotel I’ve been staying.   I’ve been  there since coming back to Reno from San Jose the week before,  living there now with a friend and her son.

   It isn’t that far but it still seems like forever, not used to walking this much but I left my bike in the room this morning cause unlike other days it wasn’t needed.

  The thought going through my head though, is so offensive to my senses, I cannot believe I’m about to sink so low. I can’t help it the burning desire of this damned demon inside me, the addiction having taken hold of my reason.

   Nearly to my destination, I sit down next to this on the edge of hard pavement of this parking lot, between between a tree and the driveway leading out to the next street, in the shadow of this  parking garage.

  Letting the strap of the backpack I been carrying slide off my left shoulder and swinging it around the front of me, I set the backpack down between my legs.  This thing weighs a ton, but I hardly feel it, having become accustomed to the weight of  this burden.

   Opening  the back pack ,I reach inside and pull out the folder kept inside my binder.  . Still sealed inside is the blue envelope, having been returned to my mom in the mail at my grandma’s house in San Jose,  I flip it over and begin to peel it open. Sliding out the card inside, every moment my conscience telling me to stop. I don’t listen I continue.

  What have I done, God forgive me.  I remove the 10 dollars put everything back and continue on. I reach my destisnation,  knocking on the door for  “the Bitch,”  a man opens the door of this motel room and exchanges her once again to me for 10 bucks.

   My inner addict now relieved proceeds back to the motel I’m staying, to once again kiss “the Bitch” named ‘Crystal’ once more.  She don’t care bout my 1 year old son, she is so glad I robbed him for this 10 dollars, “It’s Ok,” she says to me, “Ill make it all better.”

   For the moment,  she blows a kiss at me and down into my lungs, numbin my emotions and thought, briefly the pain of what I had done, is gone. Oh how she loves me to relieve me of such pain.  She fills me up with such  such delight, she tells me that just because that I did tastes disgusting, her medicine is oh so good.

   Disgusting, is the act I committed,  something so hurtful to my soul, it refuses to heal. A thousand times I’ve had money to replace that ten, but none if it has come from an untainted source.

This took place last summer, Tuesday June, 26, 2012. 

-Nick ALIAS: COUNTERFEIT

Letter to My ‘Shy Butterfly’

 My Shy Butterfly,

     Over a year ago this journey I began, a journey through the darkness and light. Through the  looking glass, the God of my creation sent me. On the other side I emerged, having all that I had removed or eventually fall away.

     My Children Gone, My Wife to Follow,  My Vehicle and Job, my place to stay all went away. No more comforts of the life I lived before, stripped of most everything until almost nothing more remained.

    Never though did I see your role in this journey being what it is today,  heck we were both amazed at how we went from two to being one.  Somewhere in the partnership and friendship we formed, business and pleasure turned  into the business of pleasing each other.

    All the time I stood on the front step, I never knew that next door is where I’d wind up living  and loving.

    My Shy Butterfly, I know within you is much beauty, but hidden away underneath that hoodie.

    Man I remember how I came that night and said all those things to you after having left your side once again to go back to the other. But I remember coming over and seeing you, not hidden in that damn sweater or your beauty hidden in the anonymity of that hoodie.

   The glow was so intense I was struck in awe was by your beauty, you shined through the darkest clouds, I at that moment knew how right I was,  and how wrong was my decision.  Though I loved her, perhaps  like I said, I loved more the IDEA of her. She got to know me only truly through my letters to her, but you, got to experience me. Once again a witness to the lengths I’ll go and the things I’ll do for someone I love.

   Many times, you were witness to the man I truly am, and long before she had ever come along.   that even the father of your children can’t help but respect me for the father he seen.  That even though me and him have our history, he still gives blessing to our relationship, cause I’m not just some random person, but a father he knows will care for his kids like I do my own, do my best to keep harm from them like I would my own.

  My Shy Butterfly, I Love You and your depths I want to explore.

  I can’t help wanting to know you, to bring you out from under that hoodie. I can’t help being fascinated by you, that maybe I am intimidated by your love for me. The shit I say or do, are things you don’t deserve, things that were in reserve for one who is no more.

   My Shy Butterfly, that captures my soul within her eyes, I’m sorry for the tears I’ve caused your heart to have, they be  from happiness.

 My mind is a jumbled mess, so forgive me if it takes time now to pass this loves’ tests.

 I’m still working on bringing the man you saw next door back to light, I have the pieces but its just takin some more time to put this puzzle together.

I LOVE YOU SHY BUTTERFLY!

Spiritual CRQs: Love

This is so tr ue. I may not have liked the jobs I’ve done, but I learned that If I could find at least one thing to love about my job, everyday at work wouldnt be so bad. We may not always wind up doing what we’d like to be doing, but if we find something to love about it it makes it bearable.

WeLiving International

DAILY CHECK-IN: DAY 84

loveLove \ˈləv\ : a feeling of strong or constant affection; the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration

Champions in life LOVE themselves. They LOVE others. And they LOVE what they do. There’s a genuine feeling of warmth and personal attachment to each person and thing. There’s a deep and abiding affection. There’s a feeling that they can’t quite live without them. A contagious emotional high that only comes from those interactions. And as a result, they’re willing to work for it daily.

Even if that dedication seems like work to everyone else. Because they’re Athletes training to be Champions. They take the hundred thousand shots and run the hundred million strides because they love doing it. It’s not work to them. It’s training. It’s necessary. And there’s nothing that they’d rather be doing.

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APPLIED: SFL Review, Take 2!

WeLiving International

DAILY CHECK-IN: DAY 81

process review

This is our second and final review of Scrum For Life (SFL) for purposes of this series.  And it’s our focus again for one and only one reason. Because it’s CRITICAL to your success this year! Not so much SFL itself, but having an everyday process that lets you measure your progress on an iterative basis, whatever that process is.

And just like Scrum is helpful as a business framework, the projects that you tackle on a personal basis are manageable in much the same way through the SFL  framework. Through your planning. Through your everyday actions. And through your ability to learn and improve upon what you’ve already done. 

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